UK SUBS
'Crash Course'
(Gem GEMLP 111)*****

SPEECH OF Sir Winston Charcoal (TO, PNTS & Bar) to the Second War Conference of the Peoples Pub party, held in 'The Bunker', Bridge House E.16.
"I have reason to speak to you tonight because we have reached one of the climaxes of the war, a titanic turning point in our ceaseless battle for truth, justice and the right to pogo. (Audience:'Oi Oi')
"I'm not going to pretend things have been easy for any of us these last nine months. The pop world has been smitten by silly hair-cut savages with their synthesised pretensions, sub-human hordes of heavy metal 'freaks', and dodgy doyens of disco devil-worship, and yes we know the villainous men who have unleashed this cataract of horror upon mankind: Barton McCullough, Gill and the insidious degenerates who grimly stalk the place called Carnaby Street who are odious and loathsoma beyond human ken.
"in the face of these new barbarians our successes this year have been few. For every oi-soma album,'Greatest Hits Vol 1','We Gotta Get Outa This Place','The Game' and 'Brand New Age', thousands of our supporters have been thrown on the dole by the ludicrous Thatcherite regime while bleak retreads of Sixties psychedelia have become frighteningly fashionable. It's as if any old crap the discerning punter in the streets would gob on is deemed art and worshipped by the legions of long-mac morons.
"But at last the patience of the British people has been rewarded for the tide is finally turning, Last week our American allies the Dead Kennedys entered the fray (late as usual) with their fruity debut and the future promises red-hot re-inforcements from the Rejects and the Ruts, not to mention our top secret weapon the essential 'Oi - The Album' (mass hysteria, shouts of'Oi Oi Oi Oi' and 'Bring Back Billy Cotton').
"Meanwhile Max Splodge, a comrade from stout peasant stock, promises a debut elpee by Xmas and from obscurity come our new storm-trooping recruits - the 4-Skins, Exploited, the 'Sensies, the Test Tube Babies, Demob, Criminal Class and the Gonads.
"But first the autumn offensive begins with this (lifts copy of 'Cash Course'(SIC) above head, shocked-whispers from all assembled) a recording of the old UK Subs last ever gig at the Rainbow last May featuring 20 all-time classics captured in the band's live gigging element.
"And rather than the feeble embarrassment of Stiff's cash-in 'Live Kicks' I can promise you that 'Crash Course' adheres firmly to the '3 Ps' rule. It is a phenomenon of pure pogo propensity, an oi-rock spectacular that traces the Subs' proud legacy from 'CID' right up date with the fearsomely muscular'Emotional Blackmail' taking in gems like 'Tomorrow's Girls','Warhead', 'Organised Crime','Killer' (for Derek Hales) and all your faves along the way.
"it's a glorious goodbye to the old days which confirms everything right-thinking critics have ever said about the band, i.e. It's 'stuffed silly with 180 second sang-froid shattering sweetmeats','rowdy songs with coarsely bellowed choruses paced fast and furious for maximum pogoability' and 'direct populist-punk dance music'.
"And young Chas takes the opportunity to demonstrate his Noal Coward type rapport with his audience with the likes of 'This is being recorded live for what I fuckin' don't know' and 'You gotta have some fun tonight otherwise it fuckin' ain't worth a fuck'
"Certainly this is not a record to be played alone. Rather the Party recomends it for resistance cell meetings after chucking out time, played very loud to cause maximum offence to neighbours.
"'Crash Course' is in short a mighty confirmation of all we stand for. For as long as our youth feel a compelling need to jump up and down and bellow incomprehensibly then our battle against head-music and hippydom will not be in vain. We shall fight them in the Music Machine. We shell fight them on the John Peel programme. We shall fight them on Tiswas. And we shall never surrender."
(Rapturous applause. Oi national anthem -- 'Two Pints Of Lager' -- played at full volume. Exuant omnes to little club in Denmark St for 'afters').

GARRY BUSHELL