?. November 1980.
UK Subs
Middlesborough

THE CONTINUING saga of Ravendale's ear drums (part two).
Christ are they loud! The UK Subs are probably the noisiest set of louts I've had the misfortune to co-experience a gig with. Why bother with the guitars fellas? Why not go the whole hog and pack a pneumatic drill apiece?
The faithful rekon the Subs are 'raw', 'exciting' and 'rowdy'. Me, I rekon what they dole out is 'brainless', 'cretinous' stuff that doesn't even compare favourably to football chants. There's no way this lot could come up with anything as good as "You'll never walk alone". I mean, why bother with minor details like tunes. Just dash a sort of demi-song off in ten minutes, call it something like 'Stranglehold' and then repeat it a couple of dozen times. Everything is bashed out so bloody fast, all splintered distortion and howls with only the assault and battery drumming emerging with anything like clarity, that most of the pogoers probably don't even notice that by the second number they've heard it all before.
As they pull the same ridiculous stunts over and over, like the Goodies doing a punk piss-take, the Subs are Xerox machines in bondage pants. Like a balloon they're all form with nothing underneath but hot air. The UK Subs are the Clash if the Clash had their talent divided by ten, forgot how to write songs, lost their imagination and got stuck in the grooves of their first album. The four horsemen are mouth, brain and trousers. The Subs are just mouth.
And Charlie Harper! The barbershop was probably just a front. More likely he's an ex-Italian waiter, everyone's favourite uncle as he smiles benignly and revels in his role as King Of(SIC)the Kids. Compared to how hard the other three look frontman Harper comes over as dangerous as Larry Grayson. And could proobably give him some competition in the comedy stakes if his 'guitar playing' is anything to go by. Still the one chord that Chas knows looks guite(SIC) a good one. G major 7th at least. Given the choice between seeing the Subs again and going to the dentist, I'd take the man in the white coat. At least he generally puts you to sleep before administering the torture.